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But can you say for sure that your favourite café doesn’t have a sex dungeon?)Īs you might imagine, I had quite a few potential names for the Cum Café, since it isn’t actually called “The Cum Café” - I have pride in my work, you know - and the shortlist is as follows:īuster Nutt’s (run by the eponymous Buster Nutt) (Don’t tell me this is that much worse than a cereal café. Hipsters want something new, something exciting the next kombucha. It’s a café that sells cups of cum, freshly milked from willing participants in the creepy, dingy downstairs sex basement. Just then, like any freelancing individual with a looming deadline, I thought to myself: How can I turn this into work? The answer was obvious. I don’t know much about Nisa, but I do know that Nisa saw fit to include an item called the “Cup O’ Cum”, a name so grossly reminiscent of the kind of instant-just-add-water soup that you get on camping holidays that I threw up in my mouth, nostalgically. I downloaded a mod called “Nisa’s Wicked Perversions”.

I thought it would make a good Kotaku feature, but instead I’m just deeply ashamed of myself and my actions. Listen, I can’t explain it to you any better than that - it’s a café that exclusively serves semen and semen-related products. So I fired up The Sims 4 and opened up a Cum Café. But I can appreciate loving a hot, steamy, comforting liquid, served to you at a time of great need. I’m British, so I was born with tea running through my veins, which is part of the reason the British are so darn angry all the time, since tea isn’t great for carrying oxygen around the body.

I was expecting a surreal murder mystery with backwards-talking and bold patterns what I found instead was a campy, delightfully weird murder mystery that forgets it’s a murder mystery in favour of long, languid shots of rivers and women screaming. I hadn’t seen it before but, as with most pop culture behemoths, I’d seen the references in The Simpsons so I figured I knew enough. I’ve been watching a lot of Twin Peaks lately. This is still true, but today, I have another warning for you: This piece is Not Safe For Anyone Drinking Liquids, Eating Oatmeal Or Consuming Any Other Viscous Slash Chunky Liquid (NSFADLEOOCAOVSCL). This week… I tried something a little different.ĬONTENT WARNING: Usually, these pieces are labelled Not Safe For Work (NSFW). You can tell your Sims not to wash their dishes next to the toilet, give them outfits that don’t suck like the base games ones do, or just make them get naked and have orgies. There’s a lot of potential in the mod scene that surrounds The Sims 4.